I still remember that one day in 6th grade. I was
starting at Madison Middle School and I was scared to death. I was a naturally anxious little girl. Tight curly
hair, big glasses, and a little shy. I remember walking in to the huge
cafeteria and freaking out in realization that there were no assigned seats. We
got to choose where we sat. I quickly got in line and got my food and scanned
the cafeteria for anyone nice enough to wave their hand for me to come over. I
was a little awkward. I mean I was not going to just walk up to anyone and plop
down and start a conversation. Who does that? J
Relieved, I saw a hand go up and motion me to come sit by her. Whew. But that
feeling in my stomach did not go away. That fear that grips your stomach and turns
your ears red and makes you want to throw up everywhere. So, back in the cafeteria I laid my tray down
and I quickly headed to the restroom in the hall outside of the cafeteria. I claimed
a stall and stood there and cried. I was so overwhelmed with that moment of
change in my life that I did not know how to deal with it. I cried and wished I
could go home. I am not cool enough to be at that table. I have tight curly
hair and glasses -I can’t sit at that table.
Fear and Worry.
They keep you from doing a lot of things.
I know that fear still today. Do you know it? I know it all too well. And still to this day I let those negative
things creep in along with guilt, shame, sadness, regret, and doubt. Those things that play over and over in my
head that tell me I am not good enough. I have 3 degrees and I am doing the job
I want to do----but sometimes in my head I hear I am not smart enough. I have a beautiful little 6 year old son that
is amazing---but in my head I hear…”why can’t you have another baby?” “what’s
wrong with you?” I constantly hear in my head that I will never be happy with
the way I look but daily my husband tells me I am beautiful. Fear can make you
believe things that are not true. Fear can keep you from living life. It can
keep you from having joy and finding hope.
I am still that curly haired girl with glasses. And if there
were a couple of things I could tell that 6th grade me in that
cafeteria I would say:
You are beautiful. You are enough. Be brave.
You can do this.
And sometimes I feel like I need to look in the mirror and
tell my 32 year old self these things. Fear always finds a way of creeping in
but God is bigger than fear. He is bigger than all those negative things that
you hear in your head. One of my
favorite verses is Zephaniah 3:17 and it says, “For the Lord your God is living among you. He is a
mighty savior. He will take delight in you with gladness. With his love, he
will calm all your fears. .He will rejoice over you with joyful song!”
So to my 32 year old self today I say…
You are beautiful. You are enough. Be brave.
You can do this.
I never went back to the table and ate lunch that day. I was
too afraid. But as my middle school
years went on…as dreadful as they were J…I
went on to be pretty good friends with that girl that motioned me to come over.
I don’t ever want to be afraid of living
life and finding joy. There are too many negative things in this world that can
bring us down. But look around…there is beauty in so many things. Look for that
instead of fear and worry. Psalm 34:4 says, “ I prayed to the
Lord, and he answered me. He freed me from all my fears.”
Be brave,
Amanda Ledford
